


What Is (and What Can Never Be)

by gryffindorJ



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Drug Use, Het, Infidelity, M/M, Oral Sex, Rimming, Rough Sex, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-02
Updated: 2008-07-02
Packaged: 2019-08-22 18:22:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16603175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gryffindorJ/pseuds/gryffindorJ
Summary: They were trapped in this hellish circle. Again, it all happened again. Sirius looked frantically around the softly lit room, as if searching for something to give him an answer.





	What Is (and What Can Never Be)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for R/S Games 2008. Thank you to torino10154, my kind brit-picker forest_rose and to the greatest beta ever midnightblue88. My initial plan for this changed vastly along the way. I was looking up the lyrics to the 10,000 Maniacs song [Jezebel](http://www.nataliemerchant.com/history/lyrics/song_lyrics/j_songs/jezebel.php) and stumbled across a Natalie Merchant song called [The Gulf of Araby](http://www.nataliemerchant.com/history/lyrics/song_lyrics/g_songs/gulfOfAraby.php). The term "The Gulf of Araby" supposedly refers to the gap between the mid-East and Europe, or rather the space between the Muslim and Christian worlds. I was very taken with the song when I heard the song and thought the idea of writing something with a "gulf" of misunderstanding between two people was what I wanted. I wanted to title the fic The Gulf of Araby but figured pretty much everyone would have thought WTF? But if you listen to the song you will hear the lyric "what is what is, to what can never be".

**~Raising the Stakes~**

He checked his watch -- half-past eleven. He would stay thirty more minutes, he told himself. Molly would think midnight was a reasonably sensible time he hoped. He would, of course, have to shed his clothes in the laundry room as the putrid smell of smoke would not be welcomed in their room. As long as Hagrid didn't spill a single drop of the contents of his tankard on him he would be alright. 

 

While he enjoyed a glass or two on occasion, tonight he nursed just one for over an hour. He had lost track of how many Mundungus had had, Sturgis wasn't far behind him, and Dedalus had insisted he wouldn't drink to excess but appeared to have consumed more than anyone at the table. His own boys, Bill and Charlie, he didn't pay close attention to; they had never given him any reason to worry. Kingsley, of course, was stone sober (had a shift coming up) and surprisingly Sirius was as well. Arthur would have taken him for a drinker. Remus, who wasn't by any means wasted just pleasantly tipsy, was what Arthur would have imagined for Sirius. Just one of those things that shows you never really know people when you think you do. 

"All in?" Charlie asked looking around the table. 

"I'm out. These cards are the biggest bunch of shite," Mungdugus grumbled throwing his hand in. "I'd say someone's cheatin' and usin' magic when they ain't supposed to."

"No one's cheatin'," Moody said, slumped in his chair. He wasn't playing, he hadn't even tried, not that any one would let him with that eye of his. 

They all began to show their cards, each hand worse than the next. Sirius won, again, but with a mere straight. 

The deal moved to him as the conversation picked up while he shuffled. They talked about the meeting and how it had gone. Charlie had come up for the first meeting but would soon be returning to work. A few had stayed afterwards at Sirius's invitation to have a game of cards. It was best to play now before everyone moved in. No one said as much but they all knew Molly wouldn't approve with the house full of kids. 

"Call," Remus said throwing in a few coins.

"I'll raise," Sirius said as the bet passed to him. 

"Why do _you_ always have to raise me?" Remus said grinning at Sirius. 

"I wasn't under the impression you minded," Sirius smiled back. Remus rolled his eyes happily leaning back and hanging his arm off the back of Sirius's chair. Sirius's smile widened slightly. 

Arthur looked around the room discretely to gauge each reaction to this behaviour. No one took any notice. _Figures_. A room full of single men. They probably all assumed they were a couple like any other - perhaps close but nothing more. Arthur knew what he was looking at. He could recognize love when he saw it. The way Sirius had poured a drink for Remus without asking first, the looks exchanged during the meeting, the eyes they had for no other: it was all there. 

"Charlie, yeh can't raise no more. Yeh haven't got a coin left, unless yeh empty yer pockets," Hagrid said as the bet passed to Charlie from Bill. 

"Didn’t know a stop by Gringotts was necessary before an Order meeting," Charlie said reaching in his pocket and throwing a bag on the small pile of coins. "That should do."

Kingsley leaned forward opening the bag and smiling at the contents. "That's some raise. There's about twenty galleons worth of weed in there."

"Sod the game. We should all just have some of that," Sirius said laying down his cards. Laughter and words of acquiescence followed. 

For a moment everyone peered at Kingsley who merely shrugged and asked, "I haven't arrested Sirius, have I?' 

"I think it's time for me to go now," Arthur said putting down his cards and standing up form the table. 

"We won't tell mum," Bill said as Charlie began to roll a joint.

"If I stay you won't have to," Arthur said putting on his cloak. "The smell will give me away."

"Moony, what's that charm we used to use so that the smell didn't linger in the dormitory?" Sirius asked leaning closer to Remus.

"You smoked in your room?" Charlie said amused.

"Room, secret passageways, empty classrooms, Shrieking Shack, Quidditch Changing Rooms-"

"Library," Remus added in.

"That's right. Thanks for reminding me. Did that on a dare. James used to be able to conjure the best dope," Sirius smiled reminiscently then bumped Remus. "You weren't so bad yourself."

"Not as good as you if I remember," Remus smiled almost sheepishly.

"I remember that," Sturgis piped in. "Still able to do it?" 

"We'll see after this goes 'round," Sirius said as Charlie passed him the unlit joint.

"Your house," Charlie said as Sirius took it.

"Good night, boys," Arthur said, leaving the room as Sirius placed the wrapped leaf to his lips and touched it with the end of his wand. As Doge started in on a story about him and Dumbledore smoking together, he stepped up the stairs and let the door swing close behind him. 

**~Take Me Now~**

"God, there're a lot of fucking stairs in this house," Sirius said as he and Remus made their way up through the hall. "First from the kitchen, now all these."

"Shhhhh. That portrait," Remus said, then added, "There are not as many as at Hogwarts and you climbed all the way to the Astronomy Tower drunk and high on more than one occasion." Remus ascended another step. "Oh, yes and naked. Besides you're not even drunk."

 

They stumbled up the next set of stairs and the next as Sirius began to laugh. "Moony, remember the shit James could conjure?" Sirius smiled. "Damn, he was brilliant." 

Remus began to laugh too. "He'll like nothing better than to be remembered for getting his friends high."

"You are awfully dry for someone who drank as much as you did," Sirius said as they finally got to the top landing. 

"Am I?" Remus replied as a smile spread across his face. "Here, let me rectify that." He faced Sirius pressing his mouth to his. Sirius responded in an instant, opening his mouth to Remus's tongue. They walked slowly, locked in their kiss, to Sirius's bedroom door. Remus reached past him to open it and stepped into the room. 

Sirius turned them around so now he was pushing Remus backward, moving him toward the bed. The room was very dark - the outline of the bed clear, but the posters were only suggestions on the walls. 

Their kiss deepened as Sirius began pressing his whole body against Remus's, but Remus had stopped kissing him; he saw something he hadn't noticed the other time he'd been in the room.

"Waz wrong?" Sirius said coming out of his slight, passionate haze. "Is Kreacher in here? I told that bloody elf my room was off limits." 

"No, it's the picture," Remus said pointing to the framed photo on the wall. "We're children in it." He marvelled at it, stepping closer. Remus studied each face as if for the first time, his body flooding with the emotion of remembering. He looked at himself - God, he was going grey. James's arrogance and confidence burned bright as always. Sirius-it was so unfair that after all these years he was still more handsome now than he even was then. Finally, he took a long look at Peter.

Sirius came up behind him kissing his neck, Remus's main source of interest, the picture apparently holding none for Sirius. 

"Sirius?" Sirius moaned a response not stopping his current task. "You ever think about Wormtail?"

"Huh?"

"Peter. Do you ever think about him?" Remus persisted. 

"Remus, my prick is throbbing and your arse feels better than I remember from this morning," Sirius said. "Pete isn't exactly on my mind."

_Pete_.

Remus let Sirius's intent take over his thoughts. He pushed his arse back against him as Sirius pulled them to the bed. 

Fully naked on the bed Remus lay on his stomach as Sirius made long passes with his tongue and full lower lip across his back. He felt his body release all tension from the day as Sirius's touched him just so. He had been worried about Sirius and how he would take being stuck in this house again. But with the Order reforming and plans being made, Sirius seem fine with it all…..so far. 

"God, Remus," Sirius breathed against his flesh, "I could get hard just from the scent of you." Remus chuckled, looking over his shoulder at Sirius. "What?"

"When I answered the door tonight and Severus came in he sniffed me for a second-"

"Greasy git."

"And told me I smelled 'of dog'."

"You don't smell like a dog," Sirius said giving his spine a long slow pass with the tip of his nose. "You smell like whisky, sex, fresh pressed shirt, and mmm, my bed." Remus wiggled as the words vibrated over him. "'Sides what does Snivellus know? If he smells like anything it's his right hand." 

Remus laughed a little but was soon cut off by Sirius nibbling ever so slightly down his back. He wiggled uncontrollably as each nibble felt like a shimmer under his skin. He felt his muscles tense with anticipation between each new bite. His prick was pressed hard into the mattress. Sirius began to slowly part his legs with his tongue, giving his balls each a small suck. 

"Mephistopheles, Padfoot," Remus groaned as he pushed into the mattress already wanting to come. Remus was almost positive that he could hear Sirius laughing at his choice of language. 

Remus rolled over so that he was facing Sirius, and their eyes locked. "On your back,--I want to fuck you," Remus directed, and Sirius obeyed. Remus almost couldn’t remember the last time he had bottomed. It might have been after Sirius escaped with Buckbeak.   
Sirius had fucked like a man who…well, who hadn't had sex for over twelve years and was going to make up for it with every stroke.

As Remus entered the wet heat and Sirius groaned with pleasure, he remembered why they always did it this way - Sirius's legs spread wide, his dark hair falling across the bed, the way he arched his hips into Remus's. Sirius gripped Remus's arms at the biceps to meet every thrust of Remus's hips with his own. Remus rolled their bodies together, his eyes so heavy with desire he could hardly keep them open. They closed as Sirius came, groaning, and he quickly followed him. 

**~Have I Doubt When I'm Alone~**

Sirius couldn't keep his leg from shaking as more and more time passed. Remus was late, which was bad enough, but now he was over a day late. Sirius checked his watch willing the date to roll backwards. He had been snappish since yesterday at dinner when Remus hadn't returned to Grimmauld Place. 

At breakfast when Fred innocently asked where Remus was because he hadn't seen him in a while, Sirius stormed out of the room. It was an overreaction he was sure, but sitting and waiting was the worst part about being stuck here. He couldn't even manage to help with the cleaning as being around people seemed to make him, if possible, even more irritable. 

After dinner that night Sirius left having no interest in sitting for one more minute, not even for pudding. He moved slowly around the hall waiting, holding his own private watch in the dark. He heard the locks on the front door slide away; he rushed to the door. Remus walked in looking dirty, worn, and very pale. He gave Sirius a weak smile, and Sirius should have smiled back. The sight of Remus alone still managed to create goose bumps on his soul but he couldn't smile. He was so worried, so anxious from waiting he was sure he was going mad. Instead he gruffly spoke to Remus.

"You're late."

"Shh, not here." Remus pointed to the covered portrait. He then went all the way to the top floor Sirius trailing behind. Remus headed straight for the bathroom, the torches lighting as he entered it. 

"You're bleeding!" Sirius said now finally able to see Remus properly in the light.

"No, I don't think it's mine."

"You're filthy and like hell it isn’t yours," Sirius said touching a wound at Remus's hair line. "What happened?"

"Please, Sirius, I am very tired. I had to see Dumbledore first before coming here. Let me shower before I am forced to say or do anything else." Sirius almost objected to Remus'ss use of the word 'forced' but thought better of it. 

"I'll wait," Sirius replied going to his bedroom. Waiting the five to ten minutes it took Remus to shower didn't improve his mood. He felt just as tense when Remus walked in, towel at his waist. Sirius watched as he dug through his still unpacked trunk looking for clean clothes. He wasn't talking and Sirius could feel the growl forming in the back of his throat from the complete frustration. Sirius had to mentally tell himself not to yell, to stay calm, but it was bloody difficult. 

"Do you need me to take care of that cut?" Sirius heard himself saying. Not a bad start he thought. 

"I don't know if it needs it," Remus replied pulling out clean pants and putting them on. "It doesn't feel too bad."

"What happened?" Sirius asked.

"Got in a fight with another man, a werewolf," Remus started. "He's friends with Greyback. He didn't like me asking questions."

"Is that what took so long? I'd have thought you'd be able to handle yourself in a fight," Remus's jaw flexed at the poorly veiled slight. 

"I wasn't in a position to leave when I supposed to," Remus replied tersely. "It's not very easy you know?" 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius almost shouted. He crossed his arms and he began to pace. Remus breathed slowly out of his nose. Sirius knew him well enough to know he was calming himself. Sirius should have done the same, but couldn't muster the will to do it. It was easier to remain upset. 

"I'm sorry you were worried. That wasn't my intention and I had to see Dumbledore first," Remus took a step to Sirius. "You know I would come here first if I had a choice." Sirius gave something between a shrug and a nod. Remus stepped up to him, resting his forehead on Sirius's shoulder. Sirius felt his anxiousness begin to fade at the touch. He pulled Remus closer to him lacing his fingers through his still wet hair. 

"It's hard, Moony," Sirius whispered. "House full of people, and even though they aren't my family it's still hard. I can't wait around. I can't-" He was cut off by a small voice at the door.

"Sorry I-" Hermione said. Sirius released Remus who immediately stood up straight. 

"Yes?" Remus supplied as words seemed to have escaped all of them. 

"Sirius, it's Harry - Mr. Weasley said - there were Dementors in Little Whinging," she said quickly, and Sirius darted from the room, past Hermione, running quickly as he could to the kitchen where he was sure the message had come in.

A hurried message to Harry and an emergency meeting of the Order later, Sirius felt more wound up than before. The argument over who sent the Dementors and yet another mission planned without his participation added to his bad mood. Worst of all it was a mission to get Harry, _his_ godson, and he felt like his balls were being cut off by being left out of the operation. 

"Some meeting," Remus said kicking off his shoes as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"I know. Dung - bloody idiot - leaving his watch, thought Harry 'would be ok for a bit'," Sirius said pulling his jumper off over his head. 

"Remember when James had to go to Lily's sister's house for tea before they were married?" Remus asked and Sirius couldn't help but smile a little. 

"Yeah, said he'd never met anyone as thick his Lily's sister's husband-"

"Or uglier," Remus added and the air thinned a bit as they both laughed at the memory. "Do you think about him? Ever?"

"Who? James?" Sirius clarified. "Everyday."

"Ever think about Wormtail?" Remus asked and Sirius immediately bristled at the question. 

"I think about him every damned day and he doesn't deserve it," Sirius said viciously. "Every moment I am stuck in this place knowing he told Voldemort I can transform because he was a weak little shit who killed all of us."

"We're not dead," Remus replied steadily. "Don't you ever feel bad for him?" 

"Fuck no! He was spineless - killed Lily, killed James, wanted Harry dead, been Voldemort's favourite little minion since he escaped, helped bring him back. Took Harry's blood," Sirius could feel the steam behind his anger growing. "Do you feel bad for him?"

"No," Remus didn't hesitate but he paused before he continued. "But I wonder, if we could go back and he came to us and told us before it all happened, if we could have forgive him then?"

"You're joking."

"No, I'm serious. If he'd come and told us he was scared and joined the Death Eaters, felt backed into a corner, wouldn't you have helped?" 

"Sure." Sirius's lip curled into a half smile. "Only after I got a couple good curses on him."

"Sirius, he was our friend!" Remus said sharply. 

"That's right Remus he _was_. He turned his back on us -- not just James and me ,but you too. He stopped being our friend the moment he put on those Death Eater robes. He's not Pete anymore, he's a traitor and he would have let all of us hang." Sirius's eyes burned with hatred. 

"You wouldn't change what is? You wouldn't have forgiven him before it all happened?" Remus said his eyes challenging Sirius, pushing him. It only made Sirius angrier but he replied quietly. 

"This _is_ what is. I can't think about things that will never have a chance to happen."

They went to bed, crawling under the covers together, not sparing the other a second look. They lay in the dark not touching or sleeping. Sirius waited for Remus to fall asleep so he could get up and pace, but he didn't. Thoughts of Peter, of James, of Remus, memories filled Sirius mind as he lay there. In a moment of clarity Sirius spoke softly. 

"Remus, there is nothing I wouldn't forgive of you. But you would never take someone I love from me, would you?"

"No," Remus whispered in reply. 

"Should I forgive you for anything now?" Sirius asked. 

"For leaving you in this house," Remus said and his voice sounded heartbroken. 

"It's not your fault."

"I sometimes think it is. I should have fought for you then, known the truth then. I should fight for you now."

"I don't think you did anything wrong then or now," Sirius said reaching out to him, spanning the space between them. 

"I wish I could change things," Remus said, moving into the touch. Sirius curled himself around Remus, comforting him. Giving him the love he felt he had needed a moment ago. Their bodies melding together in a way that was their own. 

Tightness ebbed slowly from Sirius chest and finally disappeared as Remus rolled him over taking him just the way he liked. 

Sirius dreamt about James that night. This was something that had started soon after he escaped from Azkaban. Those had been strange muffled dreams with occasional moments of brightness but not much more. The dreams had become clearer in the past eight months - some were odd dreams, like them wrestling Muggle cars, some were more about the feeling than the dream and some were memories more than dreams. 

The one Sirius had this night was a mixture of the latter two, though Sirius did maybe think it was all three since in the dream he was in a church. 

_He was sitting in one of the pews near the back of the church, with a baptism going on at the front. James sat the next pew in front of Sirius's, slightly to the right so Sirius could whisper to him easily._

_"When will this end?" Sirius said to James, then stifled a large yawn._

_"Not soon enough," James replied and they both snickered. Sirius shuffled his feet and arched his stiff back. A woman near the front turned around glaring at him. He glared back, and she turned back to the service in a huff. Then for the first time Sirius noticed this wasn't an ordinary christening. Only one other person stood with the mother and father-a lone godparent. The three of them making promises to the child together._

_Curious if this was his memory of Harry's baptism, Sirius looked around inspecting the old stone church and the parishioners. No, this wasn’t the same church nor was that him or James or Lily standing at the front. Nevertheless it was similar. He leaned forward pointing that out to James and James nodded. Sirius continued remembering the lead up to Harry's baptism._

_The vicar was reluctant to have just one godparent and had grown even more reluctant when Sirius arrived on his motorbike. The old man had pulled James aside admonishing him to choose someone else._

_"Are you sure this man will pray for the child?" he asked James in a tone heavy with doubt. James gave the man a look that clearly said he thought the man was an idiot._

_"There isn’t anything this man wouldn't do for_ my _child." The argument had ended with that._

_Sirius laughed remembering that and whispered the story to James. James laughed too nodding._

_"I never doubted you," James said turning around facing Sirius._

When Sirius woke the next morning he only remembered that James never doubted him. 

**~Jezebel~**

When Remus woke up he could still feel Sirius on the pads of his fingers. The sensation filled Remus with warmth and he turned his head to see his companion still lying next to him. Sirius was already awake and hadn't noticed Remus was awake yet. Sirius stared straight at the canopy of the bed. His expression was hard but his eyes were of disarray. The warmth Remus had felt began to recede replaced by a hard knot in his stomach. 

One never knew what kind of mood Sirius would wake in recently. Hell, one never knew in what sort of mood Sirius would be at any given hour of day. Sometimes his moods were like the weather in March-pissing down rain, then sunshine, followed by hail the size of a snitch, all within an hour.

Remus couldn't just lie there and let Sirius be upset. He needed to help him; it was his responsibility - he _needed_ to be there for him. 

"Morning," he ventured, reaching out to touch Sirius's cheek. Sirius swivelled his head to look at him and Remus could see the dark storm rolling in Sirius's eyes. "Sleep well?"

"For a bit," Sirius said quietly. "What time is it?" Remus looked at his watch, which he never took off as it felt like a second skin to him. 

"Quarter past six," he replied.

"What time did we go to bed?" 

"I don't know maybe one, maybe closer to two," Remus answered and Sirius rolled his head back to stare once again at the canopy. 

"Suppose it would be too much to ask to go back to sleep," Sirius grumbled.

"I'll get up to make us some coffee," Remus said, standing and pulling on a pair of trousers. "Come down when you're ready, I'll keep it hot." He pulled a shirt over his head and walked towards the door. He looked back and Sirius was still staring up, wide-eyed. Remus felt the tug at his heart, simultaneously sad and annoyed with Sirius. 

He went over to Sirius and brushed his fingers gently across his cheek. Sirius's eyes flitted to Remus's, but he didn't smile one bit. He did reach up and touch Remus's hand, giving it a small squeeze but his features remained dark. Remus turned to leave the room again.

Remus had hardly got the coffee from the pantry when Sirius came into the kitchen. "You're faster then I anticipated," he said. "Sorry, coffee isn't ready yet."

"S'ok, Moony," Sirius replied, his tone seemed to indicate his mood had lightened. "We should go and get Harry." Remus didn't respond right away. He wasn't going to feign misunderstanding Sirius and point out that indeed they were going to go get Harry in a few days time. He knew Sirius meant the two of them, and probably right now. 

"When?" he finally settled on. 

"Tonight, late," Sirius answered, his voice tinged with excitement. 

"What about Thursday?" Remus replied, putting the coffee on the counter then turning to face Sirius with his arms folded against his chest. 

"Sod Thursday! I'm not even involved in Thursday," Sirius bitterly pointed out. 

"And your plan?"

"Apparate there, get Harry, and side-along him back." Sirius's voice was full of pride as he told Remus his plan.

"We can't Apparate right from here, the-"

"I know! I know all the protections about this house," Sirius cut in with impatience. "We'll just step out to the grass, it will be plenty dark enough. Two or three in the morning. I'll transform and you can be you."

"Just the two of us?" Remus said shaking his head. 

"It isn't like the two of us haven't done missions alone together before."

"Yes, but it's been a long time and it isn't exactly as if you can be seen at all in any form." Remus felt guilty pointing that out but he had to play his high cards before Sirius got too carried away. 

"It will be the middle of the night," Sirius replied through gritted teeth. Remus could almost hear the growl forming from Sirius. 

"And what about Harry?" Remus asked playing another heavy hand. "What if Death Eaters, or worse Voldemort, are waiting for us the minute he steps out of the garden? We can't do any magic, Harry is already in enough of a situation." 

"I'm his godfather. I would never risk Harry," Sirius said angrily. 

"I know that," Remus placated walking toward Sirius. Knowing his touch had a way with Sirius, he placed his hand on Sirius's side. Preparing to trump any other argument he continued, "James knew you would do the right thing for Harry. He trusted you and rightfully so. Thursday's plan is the most sensible."

Sirius gave Remus a pained look. He would hesitate to call it a "kicked puppy" look but a spade is a spade. Remus already felt like he would be doing this countless times, saying something to sooth his companion, but he said something anyway. "Sirius you are doing the right thing. No one thinks-"

"Oh, you boys are up early," Molly said shuffling into the kitchen. The corner of Sirius's mouth twitched and Remus turned back to the counter to make the coffee. "Remus, aren’t you a dear getting up to make coffee."

"Of course, sorry, I'll finish it now," Remus said tapping his wand on the percolator, which immediately began to bubble and steam. 

"Sit down. I'll make some breakfast," Molly said pulling out an old cast iron frying pan. 

Sirius didn't bring up the topic again and Remus felt they had avoided this potential disaster well. With Harry's impending arrival Sirius's mood did seem to brighten some. Remus hoped that it would last and that Harry being safe would finally pull him from his sullen state.

~*~

As the Order members made ready to get Harry, Sirius stood in the hall watching them go. Remus could see the small, dark clouds forming – Sirius was desperately unhappy not to be allowed to go with them. Remus brought up the rear of the departing group. Sirius reached out to touch his forearm and smiled tightly. Remus gave him what he hoped was a confident smile back.

Remus walked down the steps to the garden from which they would Apparate. "He's still angry he's not going," Hestia said more than asked. 

"He's fine," Remus replied feeling a bit defensive about Sirius but hopefully hiding his feelings in a pleasant tone. 

"Sure?" Elphias said lightly. "His humour seems in short supply." Remus knew these people were their friends and they were just saying that they were worried. He felt defensive and angry anyway. He couldn't tell them how hard it was for Sirius. 

"Being in his nutter of a mother's house does wonders for everyone's humour," Remus said dryly making Elphias chuckle and Tonks laugh out right. 

"Quiet, all of you," Moody ordered and they hushed as they Apparated to Little Whinging.

~*~

Great relief swept over Remus as they entered Grimmauld Place with Harry. It had all gone perfectly and according to plan. He knew Sirius would be anxious for news. As he went down into the kitchen he could already see Sirius looking intently at the entrance waiting for him to step into the kitchen. Sirius could have looked at any of the faces that preceded Remus but waited for Remus's. Remus gave him a slight nod and a look that Sirius alone would know was confidence.

Sirius pulled out the empty chair next to him for Remus. He took the seat as Sirius pulled a glass toward him and filled it with liquor. "Thank you," Remus murmured through the side of his mouth. 

Dumbledore began to speak and Remus reached his hand under the table rubbing Sirius's leg reassuringly. Remus reached for his glass and caught Severus' eyes flitting over them. He seemed to be sneering at him and Sirius; Remus raised his brows as if to ask Severus "what?" His cheek twitched ever so slightly. Sirius then looked at Severus giving him his universal look of confidence mixed with disdain. Dumbledore gave the floor to Severus and he looked away as he stood to speak.

~*~

Two days after Harry and his friends returned to Hogwarts, Molly and Arthur made ready to go back to the Burrow. Sirius had made jokes all morning to Remus how they would finally be able to shag on every flat surface and blow one another at dinner if they pleased. Remus truly wasn't in the mood for such jokes but Sirius's good mood was a bit infectious and he felt himself redden and chuckle with each insinuation.

Sirius went to go through the rooms with Arthur to make sure they hadn't forgot anything and to look for a pair of beater gloves George had written and said he left behind. 

"Remus, I'm glad we had a moment to talk," Molly said as he helped her clear the breakfast dishes. "You'll be alright here without us?

"I'm not sure we'll eat as well but I assure you we won't starve," Remus replied with a grateful smile. 

"No, I mean-Yes. But that wasn't what I meant," Molly sounded hesitant for a moment. "What I meant was you'll be ok here with Sirius. He can be rather moody." Remus had to tell himself not to flinch on the word "moody"; Molly had his best interest at heart, he was sure. 

"I'll be fine," Remus waved it off easily. "We've known each other for ages. I think I can handle him by now."

"I know he's your _friend_ ," Molly blushed slightly and Remus could tell that the nature of his and Sirius's relationship was something she didn't understand or made her uncomfortable, maybe both. 

"He is my dearest friend Molly," Lupin said not lightly but not allowing any room for confusion. "We are all the other has."

"No, dear," she shook her head. "You can come to our house any time. If it ever gets to be too much and you need a bit of a break."

"What about Sirius?"

"I mean-I would invite-if I could-"

"I didn't mean that. I meant I can't leave him here alone," Remus said. "He's really fine alone but he gets lonely like any one else would." They couldn't understand Sirius, but Remus wanted Molly to know it was ok. 

"You are welcome any time," Molly said with finality. 

"Thank you," Remus said as Molly pulled him into a very tight hug. It had been so long since someone had hugged him with that sort of affection. It was motherly and friendly, and it made Remus a little sad. Perhaps he could tell her it was sometimes difficult. He could trust someone who genuinely cared. 

No. No one really understood Sirius, and they would just judge him if Remus complained at all. It wasn't fair to Sirius. 

On the heels of their departure, Dumbledore came to the house. He gave a curt nod and had a quick word with Sirius, then asked Remus to take a walk with him. The weather was already turning colder despite the fact that it was still early September. They walked down the street with the occasional odd look (Dumbledore was wearing his purple robes) but nothing more than that. They were perhaps three blocks from Grimmauld Place before Dumbledore spoke. 

"I've been waiting for you to say something Remus. And here you are contently quiet." 

"I wouldn’t say contently. You were the one who asked to talk to me," Remus replied. "I was waiting for you, sir."

"You have always been keenly aware of choosing your words with care," Dumbledore said, "even as a student. Especially when you and you're friends were caught breaking various school rules." Remus didn't say anything but smiled at the memory of his days at Hogwarts. The memories always made him feel the soft glow of happiness. 

"I know they are important to you," Dumbledore continued. "Even today, so many years later, no one matters more to you than your friends, than Sirius."

"Yes," Remus answered slowly as they turned to the west. He could feel something big coming with the subject of his friends brought up. He knew it was something when Dumbledore wanted them to speak alone outside, but now it felt much larger. 

"Sirius was spotted at King's Cross. I need not tell you it was a great risk to himself, our cover with the Aurors, and even Harry," Dumbledore's tone was nice enough but Remus felt the guilt burning in his stomach. 

"I didn't - everyone's safety is important to me. I would never risk-"

"I did not mean to imply that you would, Remus. You are important to our work, your talents and your work are invaluable," Dumbledore said and Remus mumbled an apology. 

"It is important for Harry, for us, that Sirius remain safe. There is no one I can trust to do this other than you. You have an understanding and way with Sirius to which no one else can compare," Dumbledore said and Remus could feel him looking at him from the corner of his eye. Remus rolled his lower lip in his mouth biting it as he thought. Baby-sit - is that what he was being asked to do?

"We talked before the two of you moved into the house. About Sirius and his need to stretch his legs. You were sure he would be safe, that you were able to keep one another company, and help us by keeping headquarters," Dumbledore said but Remus didn't need to hear it he remembered it all too well. He thought of the responsibility he carried every day - it was his alone. "We rely on the both of you a great deal. Sirius needs to be made clear on this."

" Yes, I know," Remus replied. "I am doing all that I can. It is Sirius after all and I've always lacked the talent for truly restraining him. Perhaps a word from you might solidify his feeling of importance." Remus wanted help, desperately felt like he needed help. He couldn't tell anyone how difficult it could be. He wanted to be trusted, respected for doing a good job. If he admitted it was hard they may lose their faith in him to do other things. 

As if Dumbledore knew his thoughts his insecurities he replied to him. "The relationship you two have is deep, it can be trusted. He will listen to you and respect you. You have one another to rely on. Our faith, my faith in you is not without merit. He will not listen to me any better then he listens to you. Perhaps even less."

They walked along in silence back to Grimmauld Square, the house visible to them from there. Remus wished, if only for a moment, he wasn't privy to the secret and that the house would not appear to him. He did not want it to be the weight it was quickly becoming. 

Remus knew Sirius would want to know what had been discussed. They had agreed long ago after Sirius's escape that secrets were not something they would keep from one another. There was danger in them, they both knew that all too well. 

But he couldn't tell Sirius this. Sirius would feel like a ward and would despise being handled that way. Remus would have to be tactful in what he said to Sirius. He could not lie nor tell the truth. Keeping parts out would work best – only what he needed to know. Sometimes this left a great weight. 

The guilt of the burden added a weight in his heart, he hated himself for that. Dumbledore knew, and so should he, that Sirius needed him above all others.

~*~

It had been pissing down every day for the past two weeks. Remus was soaked through as he peeled off his cloak, robes, trousers, and jumper. Taking out his wand, he lit a fire in black marbled fireplace, shivering as the warmth began to pull the cold away.

He had been gone for almost three weeks and was anxious for a warm meal and a good night's sleep. Thinking Sirius would have been in his room, Remus had gone directly upstairs upon arriving back at the house. He wasn’t there and Remus was too cold to go searching for him. He closed his heavy eyes - he was too tired to want anything other than quiet. He had two days to rest before the full moon. 

After being sufficiently warmed, he pulled out fresh clothes to dress in. Sirius walked in the room as he finished zipping his sweatshirt. 

"There's some potion for you down in the kitchen. Dumbledore had Snape send some over," Sirius greeted him instead of a hello. 

"Thank you. Where have you been?" Remus asked. 

"With Buckbeak. I heard you come in," Sirius said. 

"I was soaking and cold. I was about to come and find you," Remus said, figuring that saying this didn't hurt anything. 

"No matter," Sirius shrugged. Remus tried to give Sirius a look that said something, maybe reassurance, but he feared all it showed was weariness. "There's some soup in the kitchen." Remus nodded and began to walk from the room. Sirius caught his hand as he made to pass him. Remus stopped looking over his shoulder at Sirius. Sirius held his hand, holding it wordlessly. He looked tired, with dark circles under his eyes, or maybe he was just depressed. 

"I'm glad you're here, Moony," Sirius finally said. "I almost said I was glad you're home but I can't imagine anything further from home than this place."

"I know," Remus said quietly, feeling the guilty twist in his gut for not going to find Sirius right away. 

"It's better with you here," Sirius said. Remus wanted Sirius to hold him, he was so tired. He couldn't ask to be comforted, and in the corner of his mind it nagged him that he was here for Sirius and still had difficulty baring it. Blaming the old dark house for his temper, Remus thought of how things would be better if they were anywhere but at Grimmauld Place. 

"Keep me company, come and eat with me," Remus said. Sirius looked unaccountably thankful for the invitation. Remus kept hold of his hand all the way down to the kitchen. It was of little consequence to Remus if Sirius joined him or not. Being alone was fine by him, but it was his responsibility to keep Sirius here, keep him safe. Better to make him always feel wanted.

~*~

The rain turned to sleet as the weather became colder, reminding Remus that the winter solstice was near the end of the month. Pulling his cloak closer to his body, he darted across the slick street.

Apparating into the Ministry his cheeks immediately burned at the contrast in temperature. Moody had been by headquarters, leaving a report for Dumbledore. Then asked Remus if he could take his invisibility cloak to Kingsley, who had guard duty that night. 

He went to the lifts, pressing the button for level two, almost hitting number nine as that was the level he had gone to most often of late. He had to remind himself that when he was going to that level he never took the lift. It looked rather suspicious to take the lifts while under the invisibility cloak. 

There were rules and tact to using the cloak, which reminded him of when he was younger. It was far easier to move underneath it as a single person, instead of four ever growing boys. By their fifth year, only two, at the most, could get under it together. 

The Auror department was luckily almost empty. The other time Remus had visited, he'd had to think of something off the cuff as to why he was there. Kingsley, quick on the pick up, had acted as if he brought Remus in for questioning concerning Sirius _again_. 

They were able to chat for a moment about the latest article in the Prophet and the monumental defeat the Kestrels had just suffered. Neither of them caring much for the team but the score so pathetically one sided (1060-10), it was worth mentioning. 

"Whole team needs an overhaul," Kingsley had started to say when Tonks walked in. 

"Oh, please stop talking about Quidditch," she said slumping in the chair next to Remus. 

"You don't care for it?" Remus asked her. 

"Not that at all, I quite enjoy it. But it's all I hear about some days," Tonks said. "They lost and bad, ok, move on next match." Remus smiled as she dramatically rolled her eyes. 

"I'll leave you to talk about something else then," Remus said patting her hand, and stood pulling his cloak back around him. "Kingsley, Tonks, have a good evening."

Remus walked to the lifts about to step on but heard someone calling after him. He turned to see Tonks waving for him to come back. He walked back towards her as she came. almost bounding, towards him. She said she and some colleagues were going to the pub and would he care to join them? Remus felt hesitant; he was leaving Grimmauld Place in a few days time again. He decided to decline the offer. 

"Remus, don't worry, they are all good people," Tonks reassured. 

"No, it's not that," Remus smiled slightly knowing Tonks thought he was worried about him being a werewolf, and what the others would think of keeping him company. 

"Then why say no?" she responded brightly. Remus noticed that her normally dull brown eyes twinkled when she smiled. 

"Should get back, I've been busy and need some rest before I have to go again."

"More reason that you deserve a drink," she said reaching out and tugging at his sleeve slightly. Tonks looked so cheery, and it had been _ages_ since he had been out. Why was he so anxious to return to Grimmauld Place when being there sometimes felt like being on another mission? "No need to run and hide; your face isn't on the wanted posters," she encouraged, now holding onto his arm. She was right, it wouldn't hurt to get out a bit. It would only be a drink or two.

"Sure." Remus smiled. 

Tonks's friends were not all young like her, which Remus had feared for a moment. Kingsley was among them, and Remus knew a couple in passing acquaintance. It ended being far more comfortable then he'd anticipated. 

He'd only intended to have one drink, but the idea quickly evaporated. The company was good, the drink better than he remembered. Plus he was on the inside of a booth and he couldn't very well climb over everyone just because he needed to go. 

He eventually had to get up; the need to piss overcame any sense of rudeness. Walking to the bathroom, Remus felt himself smiling lazily, enjoying the warm light mixture of the alcohol coursing through him. 

Needing another drink, Remus stopped at the bar on his way back from the loo. He had hardly been standing there half a minute when Tonks sidled up next to him. 

"Getting another?" she asked.

"Yeah, would you like one?" Remus asked her politely. 

"Always," she answered. Remus signalled the bartender for two. The two pints of dark ale slid in front of them. They both took grateful swallows of their fresh drinks. 

"Is Sirius your boyfriend or something?" Tonks asked putting her glass down on the bar. 

"Why do you ask?" Remus said putting his own drink down. 

"I hear things, see things. I was only wondering is all," she shrugged. 

"He's something like that. I think once you pass thirty you aren't allowed to use the term 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' anymore," Remus said. "You're still young enough." 

Tonks laughed lightly at his self-deprecating joke. Remus's smile widened; he enjoyed her laughter. 

"How long have you known him?"

"Over twenty years." Tonks eyes widened slightly at this information. 

"That's a long time to be shagging someone," she said and Remus laughed. 

"We weren't _shagging_ at eleven," he said still laughing. Tonks's laughter renewed. "We didn't get together at fifteen or some fluff like that. He was also gone for twelve years."

"Still, must get monotonous," she countered, her tone teasing. 

"Nothing with Sirius is ever monotonous," Remus grinned. 

"Really? Tell me about it," Tonks prompted. Remus laughed at her frankness.

"You want to talk about sex?"

"Isn't that what all men want?" she said touching his arm. 

"What sex? Or to talk about it?" Remus replied, trying to match her cheeky tone. 

"Both." Remus smiled twitching his eyebrows at her. Tonks smiled flirtatiously in return. 

Their single drink at the bar became several drinks at the bar. Tonks's laughter was infectious to Remus, who was in great need of more laughter. She lightly flirted with him and he returned the favour; it felt good to be paid attention in that way. 

Tonks asked the time and to Remus's surprise it had got quite late. Clearly annoyed by this Tonks said she better go as she had a way to walk home. She didn't trust herself to Apparate. Remus offered to accompany her to her door; the walk would do his inebriation some good. 

The rain had stopped, it was still bitterly cold they huddled in their cloaks. Forgetting in their drunkenness about warming charms. All too quickly they arrived at Tonks's flat. The walk had passed rather fast in the pleasant company. 

"Would you like to come up?" she offered to him. "You look like you could use a cuppa." Her cheeks rosy from the cold added to her brightness. Remus agreed it was better then freezing his arse all the way to Grimmauld Place. 

Her small flat was simple and warm. Remus, not spying a coat rack, took off his cloak and draped it over a chair. Tonks came back from the kitchen with two steaming mugs of tea. 

Remus took one, saying thank you, then took a small sip. "You don't think I've had enough to drink, you add whisky to my tea?" he said dryly. 

"You're still standing so it's not remotely too much," Tonks replied. She stood very close to him - Remus could feel her leg brushing against his own. He wanted to feel uncomfortable touching her leg, coupled with the look she was giving him, but he didn't. Any feeling other than blissfully drunk he couldn't manage right now - he was, after all, blissfully drunk. The mood tempted him, warm and welcoming. Tonks took his hardly touched tea from his hand, placing it on a table with her own. 

"I like you, Remus," she said softly. 

"Same here-I mean- I like you, too." Remus chuckled. 

"No, not that way," Tonks said and the next thing he knew she was kissing him. Pressing her body flush to his. He kissed her back pulling her closer to him, her tongue sliding in his open mouth. 

Remus didn't know how things had progressed so quickly. He may have been sober enough to stand, but he was certainly drunk enough for things to become very foggy. 

She began to pull at his clothes, he intended to return the gesture but he began to think about Sirius. He pulled away from the kiss quickly. 

"I need to go," he said, but it was becoming clear too quickly that his body wanted nothing to do with going. Tonks's eyes pointedly looked down, registering the same thought in her mind.

"You should stay," she said firmly then began kissing him again, rubbing herself against his hardening prick. Too much liquor and friction on his cock, and Remus knew he would be staying. His body enjoyed the touch, the smiles, the laughter too much. 

_I should go, home, to Sirius - this isn't right._

But they continued kissing heavily, untucking shirts pulling buttons free, undoing flies. They groped one another over their undone clothing.

"Finger fuck me," she said breathlessly to Remus, pressing herself against his hand. 

_Finger what?_ Remus tried to make sense of what she wanted. His head was spinning, from the alcohol the kissing the rush of doing something wrong. _wrongwrongwrong!_ He should leave.

Too much to drink, too much adrenaline rushing through him - the world was spinning out of control.

She took his hand in hers, guiding it down her body and over the waistband of her lace knickers, down to the soft silky wet spot between her legs. She began to move his fingers back and forth. When he took over the motion she moaned in his ear. 

It had been so long since Remus had touched a woman like this. In school, girls weren't as insistent about their needs like Tonks was acting now. He had never had a girlfriend in the strictest sense of the word, where the sexual waters were tested together. Then it had been mostly foolish fumbling to the end result. 

Any experimentation had been with Sirius; Sirius had always been the only one who was _his_. Later after Sirius went away there had been the occasional woman but it had mostly been men he kept company with. For the past six years it had been men alone and for the past two it had been one man. The only one it had ever been really. 

Tonks began to spread her legs further, moaning louder, thrusting against his fingers shaking him out of his reverie. The sound of her desire, the thrill of it made his blood rush straight to his prick. Remus pushed himself to her - kissing her, licking her lips, inviting her tongue to come into his mouth. He ground his erection against her thigh and she laughed in his mouth. 

They fumbled to the bedroom fondling one another as they pulled their clothes off, throwing them aside. Remus's hands wandered to her small pert breasts, cupping them in each hand, running the pads of his thumbs across her hard nipples.

"Condom," she said breaking their kiss, and pointed to the bedside table. 

_Condom?_ It had indeed been a long time since he'd used one of those. He rolled it over his cock, which throbbed at the touch, aching for more friction. 

He should stop, he told himself. He could still leave now. They hadn't done anything yet. This could all be dismissed as an inconsequential mistake. 

Tonks reached her hand out and giving his balls a light stroke an involuntary groan emanated from his throat. _Fuck, that felt amazing._ She did again and he felt his balls tighten as his pleasure heightened. Tonks grabbed him by the forearms pulling him to her bed. Her pink hair so bright in the light, it was oddly mesmerizing against her pale soft skin. 

Remus lay on his back on the overly squishy bed, Tonks licked her way up his body before slowly lowering herself onto his cock. Despite the slight dulling of his senses from the condom, Remus still felt himself completely enveloped by her. He thrust his hips up into her and she cried out. A sound of pleasure came from the back of her throat as she pushed down on him. 

He let his hands roam around Tonks's body has she rode him. He felt her smooth curves, her soft supple flesh- it was so very different. Sirius was wonderfully sculpted angles and lines. Each one Remus knew by heart, as if he had chiselled them himself. If Sirius had any curves at all it was the column of his neck when he threw his head back, the pout of his lips, the arch of his brow. This, Tonks, was new and different. 

As he explored her with touches, his eyes sweeping her body, it wasn't what made him do this, _want_ this. She was laughing as she fucked him, smiling and enjoying every snap of his hips. Sounds of pleasure came with her every move. Remus could forget as long as he was in her, fucking her. He didn't have to think or be in charge or _handle_ anything. His only thoughts now were fucking and being fucked - and it enraptured him.

~*~

Feathers from the too many pillows in the squishy bed, floated delicately in front of Remus's eyes. He rubbed his nose, keeping a sneeze at bay - he didn't want to wake Tonks. He slipped from the bed discretely, sliding off the condom, and banishing it to the rubbish bin. He crept quietly about the room, pulling on each item of discarded clothing as he found it.

Standing at the door to her bedroom Remus looked back at Tonks as she slept curled up in her bed. Her cheeks paled in her sleep, her hair too. Sirius's face always got a bit warmer, and his cheeks pinked a bit when he slept. Remus's stomach became uneasy comparing the two of them. 

He turned to go, but he couldn't. What would his mother say? Getting a shag then running off into the night without a proper good-bye. A gentleman would not do that. 

As if he would ever tell his mother about shagging someone else while his lover waited at home. Or about any shag in the first place. But he was a gentleman. 

He quietly crept back into the room. He touched Tonks's cool, bare shoulder to wake her. He withdrew his hand quickly. He was repulsed and hated himself so quickly with just that touch of her skin. 

He had touched her so much more than that, but now it all had become wretched in his mind. 

He quickly left the room, grabbing his cloak, throwing it on, and rushing out the door. He all but ran out of the building into the piercing cold night. He stopped at the bottom of the steps - he looked right, then left getting his bearings. He wasn't sure exactly what part of London he was in. He looked up at the stars to get some sense of direction, but he was damned if he could see them in this city. He looked to the moon for some sort of gage.

He turned to the left, which was north, to head home. He could have Apparated now, he was nearly sober, but he wanted to walk, he needed to decompress. 

It was very cold out, he could feel the frost creeping into his entire body, chilling him. He pulled the cloak tighter around himself, speeding his pace trying to drive away the cold. Remus wanted to think of the warmth, feel the comfort of heat. 

Cold was what a traitor felt. Wasn't that what Dante had written? Betrayers buried in ice for eternity? 

NO!NO!NO! He wasn't that. He was NOT a betrayer!! It was all so silly, nothing to do with Sirius. He was hazy and he needed…..needed touch and warmth and laughter and to forget so so so badly, if even for a moment. 

He wasn’t forgetting now, and it was not warm but cold. The frost ripped at his entire being. How could he have done this? He wanted the warmth back. He needed to get back to Sirius. Or just away.

Remus picked up his pace - running, sprinting through the bitter cold London streets. He was running as fast as his limbs would carry him, breathing quickly as his heart raced, but the blood pumping did not warm him. The cold air rushing by his ears, making the shells of them sting. If he breathed through his nose he could feel the frost forming, so he gasped with his mouth. The air filled his lungs, piercing them with its artic temperature. He could feel the cold rush through his entire body. Quicker and quicker he ran, but the colder and colder he became. 

His body began to shake and tremble with so much effort. He had never been very athletic and he still felt a bit drunk. Remus began to trip and he finally stopped, coughing and sputtering. He rested his forearms on his knees trying to hard to catch his breath, but he just continued to gasp.

The earth began to spin. He felt sick, nauseated. He wanted to drop to his knees, retch, pass out, keep moving. All of those things and the order didn’t matter - his body was about to give out. 

He stumbled over to a garden bench he saw close by, dropping heavily to sit on it. His head between his knees, he was finally able to breath in and out, trying to slow his racing heart. His head still spinning spinning spinning so badly, his stomach turned. He sat up, turned, and threw up over the back of the bench. Vomiting so hard he could feel the tiny blood vessels around his eyes bursting. 

The nausea passed but then quickly returned, and he retched once again. 

Feeling sweaty and weak, he rested his forehead on the hand that gripped the back of the bench. 

This wasn’t who he was. This isn’t what he did. How could he do this to the one person who had loved him for so long? With Tonks, who he had never even given a second glance? 

How incredibly selfish he was to take such pleasure just to forget that life was a bit difficult right now. Sirius needed him so much and what did he do? Got drunk and stuck his prick in the first available hole.

He began to shiver and shake, he pulled his cloak closer to him. His _new_ cloak, the one Sirius had got him. "If you have to be outside without me, you should at least stay warm," Sirius had said. 

God! He was so revolted with himself. 

It was nothing, meaningless. It was foolish ,and had nothing to do with them. He was just an idiot. He was drunk, full of self-pity, and very stupid. 

His breathing slowed as he came more to himself. This would never happen again. He would go home tell Sirius how very stupid he was. He would do anything and everything to be forgiven, to have the whole completely stupid thing forgot. 

He steeled himself as he stood up straightening his robes. Closing his eyes slowly he thought of home, where Sirius was and with a crack he Apparated to the patch of grass across from Grimmauld Place. 

He looked around and stealthily stole up the steps, undoing the wards as quickly as possible to get inside. 

The house was silent as death. What time was it? Two? Three?

He climbed the stairs quickly to the top floor to find Sirius. The door opened slowly, a sliver of light from the candle in the hall fell across Sirius's sleeping form. His head was on the edge of the bed, his dark hair falling over the side slightly. Remus was drawn to him, pulled as if Sirius and he were magnets. Remus went to him, kneeling down in front of him. Remus wanted to crawl under him, feel Sirius's weight, his entire being covering Remus's.

He lightly brushed a bit of hair away from Sirius's warm cheek. Sirius's eyes fluttered open and took a moment to register it was Remus. 

"Moony," he said in a sleep heavy voice and smiled softly. "You're home."

"Yes," Remus replied pressing his forehead to Sirius's. Sirius raised his arm cupping the back of Remus's head with his hand. 

"Come to bed," Sirius said moving over not releasing Remus, pulling him with him. 

"Yes," Remus said pulling back for a moment to remove his clothes. He went to shut the door and looked once more at Sirius before the light was gone. His heart wanted to burst. 

Remus couldn't do it. He would never tell Sirius. It was nothing. Sirius was everything. He closed the door and crawled into bed. 

**~Don't Talk~**

Celestial. Yes, that was the word. He liked that word - it was the perfect sort of word for Sirius to use right now. Nirvana was maybe as good, or maybe a tinge better.

His forehead resting just above Remus's left shoulder blade, his right leg draped along his lover's left, his right hand resting right where Remus's ribs ended and smooth muscle began. It was celestial, nirvana, and perfection all in one. 

Sirius heard Remus's slow steady breaths. He wanted to move his arm just a fraction so he could feel the soft warmth sail across his skin, even a small amount. He remained completely still not wanting to disturb Remus. He was sure he needed sleep, but more than that this moment was Sirius's. 

This was the only time he didn't think about anything else. His thoughts could remain completely at peace, as long as he lay just like this. Once Remus woke it would still be good. They would probably shag, which wasn't so bad either. But then shagging in the morning didn't usually leave too much time for lying around; they would have to get up, piss, and then realize they were hungry which would force them to go to the kitchen. Reality would creep in, even with Moony there.

Sirius would not do a single thing to break this enchantment. He was the sole trader; no one else held even the smallest bit of stock. His and his alone.

~*~

_Letter, letter, photo with letter, letter, letter, another letter._ He knew that was all he'd find in here, but he looked anyway. Shocking as it may seem, Sirius was rather organized, had been since he was a child. You could tell in an instant if your snot nosed little brother snuck in your room and took something, if you knew where everything was supposed to be. Or later to hide things from your parents, it was best if you knew exactly where they were hidden. He always knew _exactly_ where all of his possessions were. James used to get a kick out of moving Sirius's school books around seeing how long it took him to notice. Sometimes quite awhile as he had little use for them; they stayed put, generally speaking.

Sirius's sat on his heels pulling out another box. He already knew what was in it, but pulled it out any way in a vainly desperate hope of finding it. 

He heard Remus come up the stairs and walk into the room as he continued his search. He felt more than saw Remus look at the scene that was in front of him.

"What's the problem?" Remus asked.

"Can't find my Gringotts book," Sirius replied with a bit of a huff. 

"The cricket bat is going to help you how?" 

"I keep it in this drawer here," Sirius indicated. "I have to move it out of the way to be able to pull these boxes out."

"You're not going to go outside and play cricket then?" Sirius knew Remus was teasing. He could even see the twitch of his lips, but he was in no mood. 

"You bloody know I can't go out, so why would you make such a stupid joke?" Sirius threw the lid back on the box, shoved it in the drawer, threw the cricket bat back in and slammed the doors to the wardrobe, all to punctuate his point. 

"Where was the last place you saw it?" Remus said calmly.

"I keep it in the desk drawer over there." Sirius pointed. "It's not there so I looked here, just in case I misplaced it."

"You? But you're so organized." Remus walked over to the desk drawer that was still open.

"I know," Sirius huffed. He stood, walking over to Remus, and tried to close the drawer, but it stuck. Sirius tried again, still stuck. Sirius pulled the drawer all the way out, then snaked his hand behind it.

"Why do you want the book any way?" Remus asked watching Sirius struggling. 

"Have to-" Sirius began, but then bit his lip trying to reach his hand just a bit further. It was hard to manoeuvre in such a tight space. "Bloody hell! Damned thing is stuck!" 

"Here, let me," Remus said gently pulling Sirius's arm out of the way. Remus moved his hand around for a minute then swiftly and easily pulled it out. His hand, slimmer and a bit smaller then Sirius's, apparently had a little less of a problem with the cramped space. 

"Thanks," Sirius said trying not to huff. "I sent away for Harry's Christmas gift, and I wanted to write down how much came out from my account." He opened the book deducting the amount then looked back up at Remus, who was pointedly looking away. Remus hated money talk of most sorts. Not that Sirius cared for it a great deal, but he'd known Remus long enough to know it made him uncomfortable. It was worse when they were younger. When they had moved into together he once saw how much Sirius had in his vault, and he didn't get over it for a month. "Kept man," he said over and over. 

"All done," Sirius said putting the book in the drawer. "Brilliant idea. Harry will love the books." Remus nodded smiling a bit. He was no longer daft enough to attempt to bring up paying half. Sirius had said "It's ours" so many times that it no longer warranted the discussion. 

"Elphias is here. He's down in the kitchen leaving a message for Dumbledore if you want to come say hello," Remus said. 

They went down into the kitchen and shared a cup of tea with Elphias. Sirius had always liked him a great deal, but the man tended to never shut up. He told them about his most recent and completely uneventful guard duty, then told Sirius about the trip he'd taken three days ago to speak with an old friend of his who was a Spanish man serving on the International Confederation of Wizards here in England. On and on he went about how taken he was with Remus and his very good Spanish. 

"That's my boy, gift of tongues." Sirius clasped Remus on the shoulder, causing him to shoot him a look, but Elphias just continued to talk. More about Remus and how well he and Tonks, who was with them as well, worked together.

His soliloquy eventually ran its course, or maybe he was late for something. Whatever the reason, he finally left. 

"He could go on for ages," Sirius said arching his back into a stretch. 

"He's just lonely," Remus said. "He likes having someone to talk to."

"I'm lonely too but you don't see me running my gob." Sirius rolled his eyes at Remus. 

"I make sure your _gob_ is plenty busy when I'm around." Remus's eyes twinkled a small amount. _Lust_. Sirius loved that look on him. 

"It's not doing anything right now." Sirius made a small show of wetting and rolling his lips together.

"So it's not. I have to leave in twenty minutes to relieve Arthur." Sirius tried to ignore the second part of what Remus said. He was leaving again. He had guard duty then would be gone again until Christmas. 

"Twenty minutes is more than enough," Sirius smiled pushing down that feeling that began to grow the moment he knew he would be alone, again.

~*~

Remus had given Sirius this look four times already today, which was a vast improvement over yesterday, Sirius thought proudly. Yesterday by this time it was well into the double digits. The look said what Remus couldn't say at the moment - stop. Stop the look, tone and mannerisms that convey you're are furious at this entire situation. Sirius could feel his jaw clench trying to save it for later.

Later - when everyone had left and he could have a drink with his now favourite drinking companion, God. It was much better to think of it that way instead of drinking alone. Which is exactly what it was. _Alone_.

Molly, Bill, Kingsley, Remus and himself sat in the low lit kitchen- an informal gathering of the Order to tighten up plans for the next morning. Remus was relaying the plan to return Harry and his friends to school tomorrow via the Knight Bus. The job falling to Kingsley and Remus, who were the most trusted and skilled for such a job. 

"Tomorrow at nine." Remus shifted his gaze from Sirius to Kingsley to get confirmation. 

"I have a trial in the morning," Kingsley said shaking his head. "I've already sent a message to Dumbledore. He said it would be fine for Tonks to go in my place."

"She knows already?" Remus asked. 

"I talked to her," Kingsley confirmed, to which Sirius snorted rolling his eyes.

"She's always been notoriously late," Bill said matching Sirius's eye roll. As if on cue Tonks came stumbling into the kitchen. She laughed as she came to a stop.

"That last step-"

"Only gets you," Bill finished, laughing at her. She smiled laughing at herself. "You came at the perfect time, we were wondering where you were."

"Were you?" Tonks said pulling up a chair. "What were you all saying?"

"That you are late, always," Kingsley supplied. 

"Oh, is that so? Remus, what did you say about this?" She said, looking at him in that flirty way in which she always did. 

"Kingsley was informing us that it will be you and I taking Harry tomorrow, not him and myself," Remus said evenly, returning to the job at hand. 

Sirius must have looked annoyed or concerned when everyone stood to leave. Kingsley gripped him on the shoulder, telling him he had complete confidence in Tonks, that she and Remus worked together very well. 

"No, I wasn't worried," Sirius said shaking his head. "Tonks is great, I have no problem. And Remus? No one could be better. Unless it's myself, which isn't an option." Sirius laughed as he said this, though he didn't find it funny in the least. Kingsley, gratefully, laughed too. 

Molly walked Bill out, followed closely by Kingsley. Tonks, Remus and Sirius were the last to leave the kitchen. Remus held the door as Kingsley walked out and Apparated from the front step. 

"Tomorrow morning then," Tonks said with a nod. "Night Sirius."

"Tonks." 

"Remus." She said his name in a breathy sort of way, touching his chest lightly with her left hand. 

"Goodnight, Tonks," Remus said in his polite sort of way. Tonks half smiled then leaned up and kissed Remus. Kissed him on the soft spot just bellow the curve of his jaw. It was such a small kiss, she hardly brushed her lips to his skin, but it thundered to Sirius. As if seeing the entirety of the events pass in front of him, he knew. 

That was Remus's spot. Or more exactly Sirius's spot that he knew got Remus every time. It drew groans and sighs from Remus of the most sensual sort. It was the sure place Sirius could kiss, bite, lick that made Remus moan, arching into him. 

Remus's face remained passive as Tonks stepped outside blushing. Sirius looked at Remus and saw nothing, then shot his eyes back to a departing Tonks and saw everything. _Everything._

Remus closed the door and turned to Sirius, whose insides were instantly at a rolling boil. 

"Ready?" Remus asked. Sirius hardly heard him, the sound of his own blood rushing in his ears. He hardly noticed he was walking towards Remus, roughly shoving him into the door.

"You can get the hell out too," Sirius whispered. The whisper was more dangerous than any sort of yelling. It was through gritted teeth, emanating from deep in his throat. 

Remus at first looked confused, and then had the decency to look shocked. Sirius hoped, from somewhere deep in his soul, that expression would stay. The hope was completely foolish; Remus face went to scared, then to pained, and then to horrible realization in seconds flat. He hung his head down, unwilling to look Sirius in the eye.

It was true.

Sirius pushed Remus hard once more then released his grip turning to escape back down the hall, heading to the first door he could find. He had to get away or his overwhelming anger would cloud his judgement; he would say and do things he normally thought better of. Telling Remus to leave was a mercy. 

The room was spinning even before he realized what room he was in. He grabbed a spun crystal decanter from the top of the buffet, and threw it hard against the wall, shattering it. The crash of breaking crystal, the shards flying, did little to help. The door opened, and he spun around his wand drawn. 

It was Remus; the man must have had a death wish to follow him. 

"Get the hell out." Sirius felt his chest heaving with great effort. 

"Sirius, please-"

"Go home." Sirius ground out. 

"This is my home-" Remus began and, with the little control Sirius had gone, he laughed. 

"No, this is _my_ house, and you are here at my pleasure. Which is now finished!" Sirius gripped Remus by the elbow to lead him to the door. 

"Sirius, no, stop," Remus said spinning out of the grip. "You have to stop. You have to listen to me." Remus's eyes were pleading - they looked over bright set off by his pale tired skin. 

"Listen to you? Tell me about fucking her and don't dare lie, I know you did." Sirius walked away from Remus, not wanting to be remotely close to him. "Some Auror she is. I saw it all over her face."

"Sirius it was nothing-"

"Nothing? She kissed you in _that_ place in _that_ way. It was everything!" Sirius yelled. Remus seemed to falter for his words. "You're here and I know, so why not tell me about it. Did you like it?"

"Sirius-"

"Did. You. Like. It? It's a simple yes or no," Sirius said. Remus closed his mouth watching Sirius as he began to pace. "Did she like it? Did she moan like a bitch in heat? Did you make her come? Did you like burying your cock in her? Fucking her cunt? Or did she sit on your face and you ate her out like a starving man?" 

"Sirius, stop. You are being vulgar," Remus said, angling towards Sirius and trailing his fingers on the edge of the long cherry table. 

"DO NOT TELL ME TO STOP! You—you—you fucking slept with someone else! I will say whatever, or do whatever I damn well please!" Sirius rushed at Remus, pushing into him. "How many times did you fuck her? Is she waiting for you now, to go balls deep in her again?"

"No," Remus said. "No, it was once, a horrible stupid mistake."

"Didn't enjoy it then?"

" _Mistake_. I didn’t mean to, I should have told you. It was all….I don't know," Remus said looking down ashamed. Running his hand to the back of his neck, the way he always did when he got flustered. "I was drunk." Sirius laughed his hollow laugh again, stepping away from Remus. 

"Is that your excuse?" he spat out turning his back on Remus.

"No, of course not," Remus rushed on. "It was such a blur, happening before I even knew it. We were both so drunk, and I walked her home and – God, I am so sorry. I was confused and tired and it happened. Just once I swear to you. Once."

"Once is enough," Sirius said without turning around. 

"Sirius, please, you have to understand," Remus moving closer to him. Sirius could hear his slow footfalls on the old dusty rug. "It's not like that. You are everything to me. You, me, that's it, that's all. Forgive, you have to forgive me."

"Forgiveness? You want that?" Sirius turned around staring hard at Remus's anguished face. Sirius pulled out a scroll-backed chair and sat crossing his arms. "You feel so bad why don't you tell me all about it? Clear your conscience." Sirius wasn't yelling, but he mocked Remus with his overly light tone. Remus shook his head. "Won't kiss and tell? Then get the fuck out. Go find another bloke to bugger you, or better yet maybe she can do that for you, too."

"Sirius, please, no," Remus said dropping to his knees in front of Sirius, looking up into his face. Sirius turned away, did not look at him - his face with his small tears made Sirius's his insides burn even more. "It's you, it's always been you. Only you. I love you, I want you. It was a complete indiscretion."

"Then why?" Sirius asked, his throat feeling dry and tight as he did so. 

"Because-because I am such a fool," Remus slid his hand into one of Sirius's. "I wasn't thinking and I just was-Merlin. I was so selfish and stupid, I should have never. I regretted it the instant it happened. Please. I love you, please you have to forgive me." Remus laid his head into Sirius lap, repeating how stupid he had been. Asking over and over to be forgiven. 

He ran his hands up Sirius's thighs, rubbing them while he begged. Slipping his hand under the hem of Sirius's shirt, under the waistline of his trousers. Softly brushing the delicate skin with his smooth fingers. Pleading and begging with his words as he touched Sirius. 

Sirius's veins ran from cold to hot, cold to hot. He wanted to believe, wanted to listen. Sirius wanted to forgive Remus, wanted to give into his pleas. 

Sirius breathed hard through his nose, trying to steady himself. Remus was undoing his denims now, undoing the flies as he continued to say how selfish he was. Remus adjusted, sitting higher on his knees, kissing the dip between the muscle of his thigh and stomach. The pace so gentle, Sirius felt goose flesh rising between the sounds of Remus's light kisses and his begging. 

Remus pulled Sirius's trousers down, still kissing and begging for forgiveness. His breath brushed against Sirius tender skin. Breath Sirius could imagine the taste of perfectly. It swirled across him, circling him, circling his prick, which responded in an instant. 'Please please please' on Remus's lips as he pulled the waist of Sirius's pants away. The pleading with words fell away as Remus took Sirius's hard prick in his mouth. He begged now with lips, tongue and throat. No more words.

Sirius groaned, involuntarily arching into Remus's mouth. His head fell back, against the top of the chair, as Remus circled his tongue around the tip of Sirius's prick before once again swallowing Sirius smooth and deep. 

Remus placed his hands on Sirius's hips gently holding, brushing his fingers across his skin. Sirius arched fucking Remus's mouth, which begged to be fucked with every flick of his naughty tongue. 

Sirius now moaned loudly. He felt the words, that would beg to come, enter his mouth. Sirius would not allow himself to beg; he would be fucked, but he would not beg. "Make me come. Swallow me."

Remus increased his pace, then took his right hand and began to stroke Sirius's balls, as his left assisted his mouth stroking Sirius's shaft. Sirius felt his balls tighten on his body, and Remus moved faster groaning across his cock. Sirius gripped Remus's head, snapping his hips quickly again and again. 

"God, fuck," Sirius growled as he came hard into Remus's hot, sucking mouth. Remus swallowed hard, taking in every part of Sirius. 

Remus laid his head on Sirius's thigh after he had finished, hugging his leg.

Sirius allowed his sated, lazy gaze to flit down to Remus's tired face.

~*~

Remus was exhausted, he fell asleep quickly. He had pulled Sirius down onto the bed with him. Tucking his head under Sirius's chin as he fell deeply asleep. He always slept soundly.

As soon as possible Sirius got out of bed; his mind was racing and he was unable to stop it. It jumped from thoughts of Tonks kissing Remus, to them touching, holding and caressing one another. These thoughts burned his insides. He could feel bile from his stomach burning his throat. 

Remus was 'sorry' and wanted 'forgiveness', and his small tears had been real. Who did Remus think he was dealing with? They'd known each other for a life-time. Sirius did not forgive and forget. Sirius didn't forget a damn thing. 

Forgiveness - he should be able to do that. He himself had been forgiven for any number of things. He recognized the need for it, but he couldn't forgive Remus just like that. 

Sirius was not pathetic and couldn't forget betrayal. Everyone knew. Words echoing back to him. From Elphias, from Kingsley, from everyone: Remus and Tonks worked together so well. They were such a team. 

It was all wrong and the world was spinning out of control, again. His entire solar system crushed from the force of the spin. Remus had crushed it, as if it were all a bag of crisps that had been stepped on.

This was another thing in their lives that had gone wrong. It weighed on Sirius. He could feel it pulling him down, drowning him. He barely felt he could breathe, his bile was drowning him.

Everything gone wrong in the past was like a stone in his heart. Their lives had come to this, hiding and secret betrayals. It was a fallacy that they once again thought they could remain as they were in world that went this way. James was a stone, Peter was a stone, Remus was a stone. They were trapped in this hellish circle. Again, it all happened again.

Sirius looked frantically around the softly lit room, as if searching for something to give him an answer. His eyes fell to the picture he treasured for so long, on his wall. Remus was young and smiling that sweet dry grin. He was still this boy at times but also something more now, more handsome and just perfection in his way. And James, who would be eternally young, looking full of his own brilliance. It was the same look Sirius carried in the picture. Next to him was Peter, Sirius's arm flung around him.

Pete. He made fools of them all, they were all lost in the fallacy he created. Peter did this, Peter brought them this. He would not let Peter take Remus away. He couldn't have Remus, he couldn't have James, he couldn't have him.

Sirius released a low guttural yell, his fist soaring into the frame where their youthfulness was once preserved. He heard it shatter and felt the burn as the smallest slivers of glass sliced into his knuckles. A few of the shards slid free, falling to the floor. It was not enough. Sirius stormed from his room. Perhaps ripping the sink from the bathroom wall would make him feel better.

~*~

Plans. Sirius could make brilliant plans. Apocalyptically brilliant plans. He could bring an entire day of classes at school to a complete standstill while the blizzard on the fourth floor, the hurricane in the dungeon, and the monsoon in the Great Hall were all sorted out. Granted, he hadn't been alone in these sorts of plans before, but he could figure it out easily enough.

Remus had gone, taken Harry back to school, then left again for more Order business. Kingsley had come by to check in as usual and drop off a case of ale. Kingsley must have understood that being stuck surely increased the need to drink exponentially.

As Kingsley got up to leave he mentioned he would be gone for work for a while but would check in again on the twenty-third. The missing piece slid into place; there was an Order meeting the next night, and Remus would be back on the morning of the twenty-fourth for it. 

Sirius enjoyed seeing Kingsley, even if it was just to bring him beer, as he always stayed for a few minutes to pass the time and was nice to look at, very charismatic. Sirius hadn't a clue if Kingsley was gay or not, as Ravenclaws did tend to be the 'by the book' sort. But if Sirius remembered anything from the Hogwarts showers and the looks Kingsley gave - and the looks he welcomed - this wouldn't be too hard.

Kingsley dropped by, just as he said he would. After a few shared drinks, Sirius offered him dinner, and as he did so he moved in that way he knew he could. The way that begged to be admired: the tilt of his hips, the smirk of his lips, a hand carelessly pushing his hair from his brow, all to show that sex was always an option. 

It was a brush of their hands as they both reached for the drink that set the spark into a fire. Sirius locked his eyes with Kingsley's startling hazel-brown ones. Kingsley blinked slowly, allowing his thick lashes to be used to their full effect. 

Sirius lured him easily to the top floor, to his bedroom. Like most people who have power figure type careers, Kingsley liked to be taken. Something about the high pressure, decision making or…at this point Sirius's train of thought broke, his prick straining in his trousers.

As he hurriedly undid Kingsley’s perfectly cut Auror robes, he could think of nothing more than the well- toned body that he ran his hands over. Kingsley's skin a tertiary color, like hot chocolate made from the darkest of chocolates mixed with the thickest of creams.

This was indeed going to be far better and easier than he had even planned. Sirius had steeled himself for this - forced thoughts of Remus from his mind. It was just a fuck, so it didn't matter. 

Kingsley lay on the bed, completely controlled by Sirius. He sucked Sirius's cock when told, happily spread Sirius's legs to suck on his balls, and circled Sirius's hole with his tongue. Obediently he got on his knees facing Sirius. He whimpered, gripping Sirius's back as Sirius pressed their cocks together. 

Sirius stroked them together, pushing his hips into Kingsley's. Reaching around with his free hand, Sirius slid it across Kingsley's flexing perfect arse. His dug his hand into the warm flesh, pressing Kingsley harder into him. Faster Sirius stroked them, and Kingsley began to gasp and curse like a Knockturn Whore. He came hard and fast, come easing Sirius's work, sticking in the hair that led from each of their navels down, splattering their stomachs. Sirius continued to rock Kingsley into him as he brought himself to a mind-blowing completion.

~*~

All Aurors carry them, held in their inner pockets on the opposite side of their wand, as their wands were usually drawn when they showed it. The badge with clear lettering at the top that said "AUROR", and then underneath in smaller writing, "Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Ministry of Magic, United Kingdom". There was a picture of the Auror in the upper right hand corner with their name clearly visible underneath. All of this over-laid with the Ministry's clear iridescent seal.

It had been a trick slipping it out of Kingsley's pocket as Sirius helped him find his robes. Luckily, the room was poorly lit, and Kingsley was pleasantly sated, causing him to yawn frequently as he got his clothing. 

Sirius stood at the entrance to the bedroom, telling Remus that everyone had arrived and it was time for the meeting. Remus went to wave his wand to douse the light on the bedside table; the flicker of the lamp must have caught a gleam from the seal. Remus stopped mid-wave, reached down, and picked up the badge. 

Sirius watched him, stood waiting as Remus read 'Auror Kingsley T. Shacklebolt' over and over. Sirius was sure his face was hidden in the shadows, as he was backlit by the light from the hall, but he composed his face haughtily anyway. 

Remus looked up - his eyes pained, his face fallen. Sirius had anticipated the broken regretful look Remus had given him as Sirius shoved him to the door the night he told him to leave. It was similar but different in that this pain looked greater, all encompassing. His eyes seemed to ask "why?" 

"I Scourgified his come off the sheets before you slept in them." Sirius said, then left the doorway, going down to the kitchen. 

Sirius had already taken his seat, staring hard at the door, waiting for Remus to come down. Waiting. The only person Sirius would wait for. . . . 

Remus finally walked in the room, his face tired but kind. He passed Kingsley, leaning close to him saying, "You must have a hole in your pocket," and placed the badge in Kingsley's hand. Remus then took a seat next to Sirius. They did not exchange a single look during the meeting. It would have been like stepping onto the sun: what was left of them would vaporize in less than a second.

~*~

Reliable as rain in England, Remus came back to Grimmauld Place every chance he could. His operation with the werewolves put on hold, he was there more than he had been in the previous five months.

They no longer slept in the same bed, not that it mattered much as neither of them slept as it was. Sirius had taken to napping in the library. Books made him sleepy on sight alone. Remus must have slept, but Sirius couldn’t tell when or where. They were roommates who only communicated over things like "We're out of coffee" or when they caught sight of the other in a particular moment of need; fucking on the table in the kitchen or against the wall on the second floor landing. They then returned to how it had been minutes before.

In his most restful of sleeps, Sirius dreamed vividly of being outside; he could taste the air in his dreams. Dreams of running a foot race against James, the git faster then expected for someone with such skinny legs. Dreams about Remus and himself. 

Sirius walked into the library to sit in his favourite chair on a rainy Thursday morning. He thought the tapping of the drops on the window would ease him into sleep. To his surprise he found Remus in the library.

"I'll go," Sirius said about to turn away. 

"Don't bother. I'm going out," Remus said evenly. Sirius moved to step out of Remus's way but Remus had done the same thing. They laughed as all people do at this silly little shuffle. Sirius thought for a moment to reaching out and grabbing him. 

"I'll be back later." Before Sirius could do that Remus had spoken and slipped out of the room. 

Sirius swallowed; he felt the stones in his heart turn into rough shards. They pierced him as he closed the door. It took longer then he expected to fall asleep, but the rain eventually soothed him to a deep rested sleep; to where his dreams came. 

_Sirius stood at the edge of the lake at Hogwarts; he had four small smooth and slightly rounded stones in his hand. He threw one, skipping it across the water. "Eight," he said to James, who was standing beside him, his own stones in hand._

_"I can do that hung over and left handed," James replied skipping his own stone across the water. It skipped five times, and the fifth was a feeble bounce. Sirius barked with laughter._

_"So much for hung over and left handed," he said. "Best two out of three," he said, and without waiting for a reply, he skipped his next stone. Somewhere along the way they lost track of who was winning and got lost in the enjoyment of watching the other do horribly or magnificently. After what felt like a very long while, James spoke to Sirius._

_"Feeling better now?" James said with that annoying grin that he got when he was being a swot._

_"What the hell kind of question is that?" Sirius said instantly irritated._

_"You tell me. I-"_

_"Fuck, James, would you not do that? You know I hate that shit," Sirius cut in making James snort with laughter._

_"He didn't hurt you on purpose," James said, now less irritating but somehow Sirius was still annoyed._

_"The hell he didn't!" Sirius said angrily. " So his cock finding its way inside her was some great accident? Please astound me with how something this amazing can happen."_

_"Sirius, he didn't wake up one morning thinking, 'Hmm I'd really like to do one over on Padfoot, really fuck him. I think I'll go shag the first bird who looks my way'." Now James was being funny and Sirius couldn't help but laugh. James always made him laugh at himself, understand himself. It was the fraternal nature of their souls._

_Sirius picked up a rock and half- heartedly threw it in the water, thinking, as James waited for him to say something._

_"I don't feel better," Sirius finally mumbled. "Felt like I was drowning, like my heart was being weighed down. The weight turned to glass and now my heart isn't only heavy but it's completely shredded."_

_James was still silent, Sirius wanted to say more. "I sort of thought an even score would do it. Shag for shag, but it doesn't really help. Remus just feels worse. I have the ability to do that to him."_

_"What are you going to do?" James asked._

_"Don't ask me, I don't know. That's why I'm having this dream about you, you're the one that supposed to bond us all together or something like that," Sirius said. "Your memory is what keeps us going."_

_"Is it?" James asked, and the surprise in his voice caught Sirius off guard. It took him a minute to reply._

_"For me it is."_

_"Is it for him?" James replied._

_"'Course it is. How could we forget? The four of us - it's what we were, it's what we had. It was everything. It was better than the world on a string; it was the entire universe." Sirius said, and he could feel the passion that he had once believed that pounding in his chest._

_"Are you_ sure _he feels that way?" James said. Sirius balked at the question, not answering._

_"All right, you stubborn arse, what if it had been me or Pete?" James said. "Knowing what you know now, wouldn't you have changed something along the way to change it all?"_

_"I don't want to talk about Peter anymore!"_

_"But wouldn't you change what he did if you could?"_

_"I would give everything to bring you back, to change it all and have you here. I would take you back and hold you, keep you and change it so that we all didn't get lost somewhere along the way."_

_There was a long stretch of silence now, somehow stretching longer than the dream had to this point. Sirius looked out across the lake, hands now in his trouser pockets. James's posture was a mirror image of his own. Sirius had something left to say, and James knew it but spoke first._

_"Peter's gone," James said, not turning his head._

_"Peter's gone," Sirius echoed, his eyes closing in a slow blink. James turned his head towards Sirius._

_"You can't bring me back, Padfoot," James continued, and Sirius felt the blow so very deep, but he knew James was right. "But you can fix this, you can change what is. You aren't powerless this time, you can bring him back."_

_"After all this, you think I can?" Sirius looked at James. He was sure the desperation he felt was etched in his every feature. By the way James looked back at him, it confirmed the thought._

_"Not a doubt," James said with confidence._

_"I hate it when you make more sense then I do, what with you're being dead and all," Sirius said._

_"Death gives me the appearance of being far sager then I ever was in life," James said cracking a smile. Sirius felt his heart lighten and grinned back._

_"You know I meant that "hold you" thing in the friend sort of way. Not in the 'your best mate's a shirt lifter' way," Sirius said._

_James shrugged slightly, looking back at him. "Sure, sure. I know the way you used to look at me."_

_"Wanker," Sirius said reaching out and cuffing James on the shoulder._

_"Tosser," James replied in the next beat, and Sirius took his next turn._

_"Dead man."_

_"Shirt lifter."_

~*~

It had all seemed so easy in the dream. Straightforward. Simple. But that's why dreams -and people who listened to dreams - were completely mental. Dreams were dreams, and nothing more. Sirius tried to convince himself of that. 

Yes, it was true he wanted things to be different but it wasn't like magic-a flick of the wrist and the damage repaired, everything set to rights. He couldn't slip Remus a few chat up lines, expecting them to sail off into the sunset together. 

At first he had comforted himself after waking by making dinner. Stew, Remus's favourite for some completely daft reason. The man loved it. But who ate dinner at one in the afternoon? The stew sat on the counter, Sirius keeping it warm with a simple little charm. 

Besides Remus wasn't back yet like he said he would be. Sirius thought about opening a beer, but it was probably not a good idea to be drunk when Remus returned home. He would surely think all Sirius just wanted was a shag, if that was the case. 

Finally. _Finally_ , the door the kitchen swung open. Composure and discussion evaporated from Sirius's mind. He shoved the chair he had been sitting in roughly back and took quick strides to Remus. He gripped Remus by the arms pulling him to himself and growling inches from his face.

"God damn it! You love me and we aren't doing this anymore!" Before Remus could reply Sirius pulled him in for a raw angry kiss. Remus didn't pull away. They both gasped for breath when the kiss broke. "I want you. Only you."

"I never meant to-" Remus's words were cut off as Sirius pushed him, trapping him against the wall.

"I don't want to hear apologies anymore," Sirius said, each word coming out slowly, allowing them to wash over Remus. "I'm going to fuck you till we forget." Remus replied, pushing into Sirius, crashing their mouths together, his tongue going into Sirius's willing mouth, sliding along as Sirius's own tongue pulled a groan from Sirius's throat.

Limbs tangled, they stumbled out of the kitchen up the stairs. They hardly made it past the hall as they frotted against one another anxiously over their clothes. Hands in each others pants, they awkwardly rushed up the first set of stairs, stumbling a few times on the way. Sirius forgot his path as Remus worked his finger at the space behind his balls. Lube and a long slow shag was in the back of Sirius's mind, he remembered. 

"No." Sirius's hand flew to Remus's wrist. Pulling Remus's hand from his pants. Sirius grabbed Remus's other hand, forcing his arms to his side. Their foreheads together, Sirius commanded him. He gripped his wrists so tightly, Sirius was sure he could see the bruises blossoming beneath his fingers. 

Sirius roughly marched him up the next set of stairs. Remus craned his neck to kiss Sirius, their mouths working, their legs tangled, and they fell once again. Remus groaned as his arms were pinned so that he had nothing to brace his fall, and his body took Sirius's full weight. 

It didn't matter - Remus began kissing and nibbling at Sirius.

Sirius looked into Remus's eyes with the intensity of a bolt of lighting. Remus returned the gaze with a pleading look that was echoed by his attempt to arch against Sirius. 

"No," Sirius commanded, pushing his knee down onto Remus's hip. A shiver ran down Remus's prone, supple body. "You are _mine_. You will do only what I want." Sirius buried his head in Remus's neck licking his soft skin, allowing his scent to travel down his body and be consumed by his tongue. 

It all must have been too much for Remus, their bodies flush together he began to gyrate his hips into Sirius's thigh. Sirius loved the feel of Remus thick, long prick pressing into him, even through layers of clothing. 

He truly loved it, but he growled into Remus's neck, "You'll stop doing that. You will not come till I allow you to come. No rubbing off on each other like fourteen year old boys. I will get out a cock ring if you do not listen."

"Yes," Remus nodded and stopped thrusting at once. "I'll listen." 

"Mine," Sirius said as he stood pulling Remus up with him. 

"Yours." As Remus spoke. Sirius pulled Remus's hand into his pants and circled his own prick with Remus's palm and fingers, moving back and forth slowly. Allowing Remus to enjoy the every feel of Sirius's hard cock, Sirius led them up more stairs.

"You like that, don't you?" 

"Yes," Remus said breathlessly. 

" _I_ know how to fuck you. _I_ know what you like," Sirius said. Then as they got to the top landing he put his own hand down Remus's undone trousers and pulled his straining prick free. He teased him, pulling very softly at first. Remus moaned, quickening his pace on Sirius's prick. 

"I want it. I want it from you," Remus said as Sirius began to tease his entrance with his finger. 

"You're mine." Sirius punctuated his words with a rough pull on Remus. "Only mine. You belong to me."

"Yes, yours. Yours," Remus agreed, his head dropping forward as he thrust into the warm hand. 

They had almost made it into the bedroom, where lube and slow desperate sex waited for them, when Sirius reached down and roughly pulled Remus's hand away from his prick. 

"Suck me."

Remus fell to his knees before the 'me' had even left Sirius's lips. He licked a long path along the underside of Sirius's cock before taking it in his mouth. Sirius threaded his fingers into Remus's hair, forcing the pace and motion. 

"You like this, I know you do. Only I know what you like. You will not let anyone else touch you this way." Since Remus's mouth was full of hard throbbing cock, he was unable to answer but he moaned in agreement. One, two, three long wet pulls of his cock, and Sirius stepped back nudging Remus's head away. 

"No one else. Only you," Remus said as he reached for Sirius

"On the bed. I want your arse," Sirius said, pulling Remus from the carpet in the hall. 

Clothes banished, Remus lay on their bed. Sirius stood half-way between him and the wall. His own clothes were gone; his hard prick pointed up towards his stomach. He watched Remus mouth slightly gaping, stroking himself as he looked at Sirius. His eyes half closed but focused on Sirius's naked form, moaning as he stroked himself. Sirius could see the twitch of Remus's muscles in his arm, as his hand moved down and up. Sirius licked his palm and reached his hand to his own prick, caressing the head of it. Remus moaned louder at the sight.

Sirius had a moment where it seemed as if he was observing the scene as a bystander: Remus lay there wanking while he himself stood naked rubbing himself. He saw himself look to his left, to the picture of the four of them on the wall. The glass he had shattered was no longer fragmented into pieces. Four young boyish faces looked at him from the flawless glass. 

The glass was no longer shattered-it had been repaired.


End file.
